Measurements:

Hips: 54

Waist: 50

Thigh: 28 1/2

Calf: 19

Ankle: 10

Arm: 19

Wrist: 7 1/2

Breast: 51 1/2

Neck: 17

I am the most disgusting thing on the planet.

I keep thinking “Man, I need to get a picture of myself.”  You know, the before picture.  I keep putting it off, though.  Mostly because, well… I just don’t have time alone to take one.

As of last night, I’ve lost 13 pounds.  I guess I should say “Hey, not bad.”  But I’m in a bad mood.  I think I’m just tired.  It is Tuesday, after all.

Barely passed my math test with a 90%.  Sounds weird, right?  Barely passing with an A?  Well, that’s because it’s Math for Nurses.  And you don’t pass your tests with a B.  If I can’t get an A in three tries, I have to drop the class and start again next semester.  *sigh*

And next Tuesday?  I have exams in all three of my classes.  That’s Body Structure & Function, Nutrition, and Math.

    After the gym, I went to the grocery store.  It was a liquids day, which meant I could have a light dinner.  I didn’t have anything for a light dinner (like soup) at home.  Walking into the store, I thought “Man, I guess I need to stock some soup and things in the cabinet for days like today.”  It occurred as odd that I never thought about stocking soup or anything for just once in a while, or from time to time.  That realization revealed an epiphany.

     I never really thought that much about my shopping lists, because I’ve only planned a few days in advance.  My entire life was directed and guided by my compulsion.  I would either go and get just what I wanted to eat in the next couple of days, or buy food randomly and eat until nothing remained.  My sin has made all my decisions - it directed my life.  Over the years, I have developed a form of Stockholm syndrome with food.  I never made my choices - I was dependent on my addiction to tell me what to do, when, how much, how long… even how to feel about it.  So last week I became frustrated, because I don’t know how to live on my own.  My questions ranged from “What do I do now? (because I’d have more free time)” to “Am I full?  Am I hungry?”

     Today, I believe I understand the dynamic of my freedom in Christ.  Yes, I am free.  But now, I must learn how to live without my dependence on food.  My idea of freedom was once the thought of me running full-force through an open field screaming “Weeeee!”  But the reality is more like standing in the center of that field, gazing wide-eyed about and asking “Where do I go now?”  It’s disorienting.  That is why prayer is becoming more prevalent day-to-day.  If I am left up to my own devices on how to live, I will wind up in bondage - whether it’ll be back in food, or something even worse.

I am now free.  The challenge is learning how to live.

I swear, if I ever survive my exam tomorrow, I’m going to the gym and burning all the fat off my a$$.  So nervous I can’t deal!

I’m two weeks short of being back in the Ozarks an entire year.  At the risk of sounding cynical - this year has completely sucked. 

     Reading through Deuteronomy, I’m learning that I’ve been much like Israel.  God had given me a promise, and I decided to go my own route.  He had instructed me to prepare to move back to Missouri and attend school, but instead I went to my pastor and tried to fix a way for me to stay.  The “giants” of living back in the Ozarks was just too frightening - to much for me to handle.  So, out of fear and distaste, I turned away from God’s direction.

     And just as God had the Israelites wander in the desert, so has my last year been one of wandering.  It wasn’t until I studied Deut. 2 that I noticed just how closely I had been from this time in the wilderness.

     There was a point where Israel circled the same mountain over and over again.  They had no real direction, the just… wandered.  So the went in circles around this mountain.  I can easily see that was the time I spent living in the basement of my friends’ house.  How many hours had I wasted sleeping?  How great was my sadness?  It was a pure form of despair.  Days came in which I questioned the very merit of living.  In hindsight, I know this wouldn’t have happened if I had simply obeyed God from the beginning: if I had prepared to move back (rather than just stumbling into it) and did so with obedience, I wouldn’t have been in that mess.  Yet, there I was sleeping on a broken couch in the basement for months.

“And the Lord spake unto me, saying,

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward”[Deut. 2:2-3]

     And just like that, I even lost my “home” at that house.  I felt turned out, still having no real direction.  This entire year, I’ve felt as if I was allowed to stay here and there, but not really wanted.  I felt like a vagabond.  Heck, I still do!  But it was God that was getting me out.  “You’ve been going in these circles long enough to be humbled and know that you need me.”

     Just like Israel, I’ve gone through different “lands”.  I’ve lived with my grandparents and my brother’s family.  I’ve slept on strange couches, cuddled up in the backseat of my own car, spent the night with a bottomless cup of coffee in an all-night restaurant.  Never a home, never with direction.  Yes, I knew God had given me the promise that I was going to school, but that was months away - a lifetime when you have no idea how you’ll survive until that point.

     Now, I feel like I’m standing at the river Jordan, the quiet lapping of the water about my ankles.  There’s no turning back now.  God told the Israelites “Fear not, neither be discouraged…”  Yet, He never mentioned it’s ease.  Probably because it wouldn’t be easy.  He simply said to not be discouraged.  He probably said that because He knew that Israel would find things discouraging.

     So I walk toward the “promised land” in my life.  God’s promise to Israel was that the land they would have would be good land, a land rich in resources to live a fulfilling life.  Somehow I get that confused with a life of ease.  However, looking at my course schedule, my bank account (now closed), and all the other little things lurking around the corner, I can see the promises of God to me are just the same as the promised land of Israel.  Yes, there’s much promise - much potential - but there’s a lot of labor and war to be waged for it.  I will be doing a lot of fighting to complete school, to keep finances straight, to get into the nursing programs, etc.

     But looking over this last year in my wilderness, I see that God has been with me every step around that mountain.  His provision has been there.  So  I can walk forward and take on the giants of this new world and knowing that God is here.

    So… I stayed up late with some reading, last minute stuff-to-do.  I got kinda hungry.  But did I go to the fridge and grab some carrot sticks?  A little yogurt, perhaps?  Nope.  I chowed down on a whole freaking BBQ sandwich, Doritos and washed it down with two big glasses of Dr.Pepper.  I know I wasn’t that hungry.  WHY?!?!?  In hind-sight I just remember thinking Hey, I’ve never tried that BBQ stuff… and I’ve never had that flavor of doritos… man, the soda would be really good with those, and I’m fasting tomorrow *sigh*…

Before I knew it I had a whole other meal while watching a Star Trek re-run. 

Next time, I gotta just eat a few carrots or some yogurt or something.  And just why should I be so worried about not getting to try that food out?  It was flippin’ barbecue flavored stuff.  Y’know what it turned out tasting like?  Barbecue.  Quite an amazing experience, no?